Social = child bonding w/others (feeling close + connected)

• Benefits: 

  • Social time shapes how kids interact with others and their empathy for life

  • Self-control (a type of emotional intelligence) is a better predictor of academic achievement than intelligence

  • If you want your child to talk to you when they are older, listen when they are young!!! Let them know their opinions and interests are important to you. 

  • Boys with warm relationships with mothers (and warm relationships in general) were found to have higher average salary as adults

• How:

  • Sportscast (e.g. “you seem upset”) - helps child understand what they are going through, feel the support of their caregiver, and choose how to handle emotions

  • Have more than one kid - siblings are HUGE (see sibling section below)

  • Don’t get involved in conflicts during play (except to protect from harm) - can debrief conflict afterwards to help kids understand their own and peers’ POV

  • Discuss importance of compromise and finding solutions that work for everyone

  • Help children learn to detect emotions in others and thus predict behaviors and goals (reading together is great for this!!!)

  • Family dinners are huge!

  • Responsive parenting - respond to children’s cues and needs!

  • Make sure there are peers around them, then leave them alone - kids really need unstructured time! 

  • Have special time: follow child’s lead and protect the time from interruptions, commands, and redirections. Basically give your full attention to the activity or topic of their choice, one-on-one. During this time, avoid commands, criticism (instead, ignore behaviors you don’t like, like whining), or questions (can redirect play or distract kid - let them lead). 

  • PCIT (parent-child interaction therapy, a component of authoritative parenting [balance of support and boundaries that leads to more socially and academically skilled kids who are intrinsically motivated): pull out toys, sit down with kid for 15 minutes, and tell them they get to choose what you will do during this “special playtime.” Use the PRIDE Skills to guide them:

    • Praise (appropriate behavior, like hard work)

    • Reflection (on what your child says to you, to show they have your full attention)

    • Imitation (to let your child lead and show you can follow and are engaged)

    • Description (on what your child is doing - shows you are paying attention and helps build connection)

    • Enthusiasm (shows you like playing with them)

  • Just 5 minutes of playtime with PRIDE skills increases relationship cohesion! 

  • Have family traditions that set aside specific time for the whole family to spend together (family dinners, family vacations, family game night, family movie night [esp. with movies that can spark great discussions and home videos], family pizza/other special meal night, cook dinner together, family meetings)

  • Other ideas for socializing: scheduled playdates, going to playgrounds at high-traffic time, neighborhood BBQ/block party, have your kid teach you something, read a book aloud, go on a neighborhood social scavenger hunt, help a neighbor in need by cooking for them or doing yardwork, write a letter to a friend/relative, share your passion with your child, visit a library storytime, give your children a large joint chore (like yard maintenance or basement cleaning), play the staring game, sing and dance together, discuss pit and cherry daily (best and worst part of your day), play a sport together, challenge siblings together (e.g. with an obstacle course or beating their parents in a bowling game), make plans and do research together (e.g. something you want to learn more about or a place you want to visit), meditate together

  • With infants: 

    • joint attention - pay attention to the same thing! Follow baby’s gaze and label what is capturing their interest - helps with language development. 

    • Go at their pace (slowly) and pay attention to them - sit and do nothing but babble with them

Play = unstructured, child-led (no goal/end point, pretend play being the holy grail)

• Benefits: 

  • Linked with attention and impulse inhibition 

  • Teaches kids how to solve social conflicts (don’t intervene when these come up!) and social problem-solving

  • Sociodramatic play (elaborate scenes like playing doctor) is linked with social competence 

  • Make-believe play helps with development of executive functioning, improvement of social relationships, and creativity

  • Executive functioning: during make-believe play, children are much better at impulse control, sustained attention, and making plans than they are in other settings - this strengthens these muscles so that they are better able to do these things outside of play as well! 

  • Creativity: time spent in pretend play at age 6 is linked with creativity through high school (and probably beyond)! And creativity is more strongly linked to later accomplishments than IQ. Boredom fosters creativity as well! It’s also a way to relieve stress - let brains rest and recover. It’s also linked to better sleep, because kids are better able to reflect on their day when they’re not overstimulated. And they get better able to cope with not being stimulated. Let children experience all emotions (including bad ones) instead of trying to distract them - it’s linked with higher emotional intelligence.

  • Rough-and-tumble play is also linked with higher social intelligence later on (also emotional release, sensory stimulation, and exercise)

  • Children process through play - they won’t tell you about their day, but you can get them to act it out by playing school!

  • Play is also the quickest way to achieve child happiness

• How to:

  • Kids need decent chunks of time and boredom to get involved in a game/fantasy play

  • Don’t worry about imaginary companions - they aren’t a sign of anything wrong, and ⅔ of kids probably have some version of them at some point. 

  • Don’t direct the play - this constrains kids and leads to less playtime. When you do play with them, act clueless! And aim to be less interesting than the game - help them if needed but don’t provide more than they are asking for, be it more assistance, advice, or praise. 

  • The best thing you can do is be quiet and back away when kids are playing. But other things you can do are:

    • Set up the space 

    • Provide them with appropriate playthings (remember, the more the toy does, the less the child does. Simple, non-battery powered toys are better at encouraging imagination, conversation, and engagement). Also, ditch the movie characters - typically used less creatively (to recreate movies).

    • Don’t give them too many toys - leads to overstimulation and lower-quality play (less creativity and less attention). One idea if kids have too many toys they are attached to and have trouble giving away is a toy library: store all the toys somewhere and let kids pick out a certain number they want to use for the week. They can swap them out as they choose once a week without saying goodbye to any precious toys. 

    • Protect large blocks of time with nothing scheduled (like 2 hours) so play can evolve naturally. Sometimes they will be better at playing for longer times than others - kids know what they need!

    • If they are stuck in a rut with their playing and unable to play with other kids for whatever reason, you can try “play mentoring” - giving them a bit of scaffolding, and then stepping back. 

    • Give them opportunities to play with kids of various ages, alone, and with their parents.

  • Play ideas (mostly require you to set-up and then step away):

    • Save cardboard boxes and then dump them all in the living room at some point for kids to use.

    • Set up a store with items for sale, a cash register, and shopping cart. Let kids figure out rules and roles.

    • Set up a play school with cardboard box desks, a chalkboard, papers, and cubbies.

    • Provide your child with a bin of beans, rice, soap, dirt, or sand (sensory play).

    • Pretend to be your kid’s favorite animal.

    • Rearrange the room to make more space for play (can include packing away half of kid’s playthings).

    • Set a box of play tools next to kid’s bike/toy car. Let them do the rest.

    • Airplane/airport: set up tickets, drivers licenses, a ticket counter, a door frame functions as an X-ray machine, and a box made to look like the front of a plane with a line of chairs behind it for the passengers.

    • Mattress on the floor

    • Give them a box of instruments and let them direct their own parade.

    • Carwash

    • Play doctor’s “tools” + stuffed animals = vet

    • Role reversal: pretend to be a baby (you need kid’s help with every task, follow them around adoringly and beg them to play with you)

    • Pillow fights, running and jumping into a pile of blankets

    • tag/chase

    • Play dumb: you are an alien that hasn’t seen children or toys - let them guide you through play.

    • Sandbox

    • Play librarian

    • Dinosaur dig - hide some “bones” in dirt outside, or a dirt bin (can even have an indoor one with rubber mulch)

    • Construction zone

    • Dress-up bin!

Outdoor = active or calm and reflective

• Benefits:

  • Increases serotonin, decreases stress

  • Can increase attention abilities and ADHD, and increased creative problem solving

  • Huge impact on sleep quality and duration, due to improving circadian rhythms and increased physical activity

  • Physical health - kids are 2-3 times more active outdoors than indoors (note that they are more active in the absence of an adult!)

  • More physical activity actually leads to improved concentration and better academic scores

  • provides sensory experiences for babies

  • Other benefits: vision, Vitamin D levels, mental health improvement, cognition, and motor development

  • Decreases aggression in kids 

  • Fosters creativity/curiosity - a sensory experience that isn’t overstimulating or demanding - calms our brains and waits for discovery

  • Helps executive functioning by being less distracting than all the overstimulating things indoors - restores our attention 

  • Increases concentration in kids with ADHD

  • Increases serotonin production (better mood) - kids are happier and easier to manage when they’re outside

  • Improves peer relationships and social skills

• How to: 

  • Set a minimum amount of daily outdoor time - just 5 minutes is enough for better self-esteem and mood! Can build it into routine by, e.g.:

    • Walking to school

    • Eating outside

    • Family walks

  • Recognize nature everywhere, even if it’s just grass peeping through the sidewalk

  • Child-directed walks (kids pick a direction and start going, parents follow):

    • Learning the neighborhood (I’m a tourist who has no idea where I am)

    • Collections (e.g. pinecones, rocks, sticks, etc.)

    • They pretend that they are on a monster hunt, and the different markings (i.e., construction spray paint) are signs of a monster that they are tracking

    • Walk in “bad” weather

  • Make outdoor toys accessible (e.g. bubbles, bikes, shovels, mini binoculars, sidewalk chalk, inflatable balls, mini flashlights, etc.)

  • Outdoor activity ideas:

    • Find wildflowers or just weeds with flowers - maybe make a bouquet!

    • Flashlight tag (players try to make it to a base without being tagged by it with a flashlight)

    • Sniffer cups (put things like dirt or weed or whatever else kid finds interesting in a dixie cup so they can sniff it)

    • Snake/deer/owl (Help your children experience outdoors with each sense “heightened.” They can cup their hands around their ears to hear well, like dear. They can circle their eyes with their hands to see like an owl, and they can stick their tongue out to feel the temperature like a snake.)

    • Weekend camping trip

    • Hot lava (the ground at a playground is hot lava and can’t be touched; can also be combined with tag)

    • Build a flower (collect pieces of nature to make a flower collage at home)

    • Visit an unused sports field

    • Roll down a hill

    • Find a wild area and see what kids can do with it

    • Contact paper bracelet (put contact paper on your child’s wrist with the sticky side out. Allow them to add collected nature to their bracelet)

    • Ride bikes

    • Create a playground with sticks and leaves for kids’ favorite bug

    • Mud pies

    • Playgrounds

    • Stuffed animal hide and seek (hide their stuffed animals, and tell kids they were bored and snuck out of the house - they have to find them!)

    • Nature scavenger hunt (can be structured or not)

    • Find some water and let kids get wet

    • Collect loose parts

Independent “work” = homework, chores, helping, maintaining personal hygiene, etc.

• Benefits:

  • Teaches kids grit

  • Makes kids feel accomplished and proud when goal is met

  • Gives kids a sense of purpose and increases happiness

  • Childhood chores started at age 3 is correlated with positive relationships w/family and friends, early career success, and a sense of self-sufficiency in young adulthood (this correlation is not found in children who started doing chores as teens!!)

  • Adults who completed chores as children have been found to be more independent, better collaborators, and understand that work is necessary for group success - the earlier they start, the stronger this link is reinforced!

  • Chores are also a way to improve self-control in children, which studies have shown has a huge benefit later in life (kids with more self-control are less likely to have health or substance problems or a criminal record, and more likely to earn more as adults, as well as less likely to make really big mistakes as teens, and do better in school)

  • Fosters gratitude (which is linked to happier, more positive, more satisfied, less materialistic, and healthier children)

  • Work develops empathy (chores for family members, volunteering for community members)

  • Reduces narcissism and entitlement 

  • Gets kids moving

  • Forms a family identity (children who do chores report higher levels of family comprehension and positive functioning at home)

• How to:

  • Start chores early (at age 3) - kids are motivated to do them when they are young!!

  • Give independence wherever possible

  • Express enjoyment in hard work!

  • Create an environment where everyone helps out and contributes to family work

  • Don’t pay or provide extrinsic motivation for the work (less beneficial when you do, plus reduces intrinsic motivation and sense of family identity)

  • If they complain, tell them something along the lines of “We all do chores because we are all a part of this family.” We share everything good we have and all the work we do to achieve those good things. We are all in this together. We are fortunate to have a home, and we all work hard to take care of it and maintain it. We are fortunate to have one another, and we all work together to take care of one another (yes, by doing things like laundry and dishes). We are privileged to have a family and the ability to complete chores. 

  • Find a way to give kids full responsibility for their work (e.g. deciding what to cook for dinner and when) - this is how they develop initiative!

  • If possible, let kids help you with your work!

  • Be consistent with chores (e.g. every Saturday without fail, we all clean the house together)

  • Be patient and take the time to teach children how to do the tasks you want them to do so they can later do it without constant oversight and nagging

  • Let children deal with the consequences of their actions on their own (e.g. you are responsible for anything you bring with you to the park, you have to clean up your messes, clean your plates after dinner, etc.) - awareness of consequences and the time-in required are why household chores are related to things like self-control, gratitude, empathy, and helping others.

  • Reflect to children that their work defines them - they are helpers, not helping

  • Try to assign chores to your child that are developmentally appropriate, taking into account:

    • Enjoyment (how kid responds to different types of tasks)

    • Child control (a chart or something for clarity - they know their task but have some control over when they complete it with broad guideline like a due date; also allow kids agency and only correct them if truly necessary - praise their effort if they really tried instead of micromanaging)

    • Attention span (kids can pay attention to a required task for 3-5 times their age in minutes, e.g. a 4 year old could do something for 12-20 minutes)

    • Chores that make them part of a family (e.g. laundry, dishwasher, etc.) - more positive relationship feelings, prosocial behavior, and self-esteem boosts

    • Cooperative chores (that they can do with a sibling!)

  • Ideas

    • Family volunteering

    • Lemonade stand (they have to do all the steps, like shopping for ingredients, making it + signs, etc.)

    • Vegetable garden that they are responsible for

    • Neighborhood litter walk

    • babysitting/lawnmowing business

    • Sell door-to-door

    • Collect cans for recycling money

    • Plan for the next day (lunch box, pack school bag, pick outfit, etc.)

    • Tackle a big task (help kid by chunking it into smaller tasks)

    • A pet

    • Talk out loud about noticing the needs of others

    • Ask kids if they have any ideas about how they can help others

    • Allowance for being part of the family (rather than chores)

    • Intentional discussions about what they want to be when they grow up (e.g. with visits to job, job play, and books)

Literacy = anything that helps kid enjoy reading and writing

• Benefits:

  • Quicker language and vocabulary acquisition (books introduce more than twice as many rare words as most speakers do) - starting early is huge for this!!!

  • Increased academic achievement (in vocab, general knowledge, and spelling) - note that the amount of books at home is correlated with test scores; it’s worth having a home library (specifically over 500 books)!!!

  • Increased social and emotional understanding

  • Better empathy (exposed to diverse characters from diverse backgrounds with diverse perspectives, desires, and challenges)

  • Better theory of mind (understanding other’s thoughts and feelings and how they might differ from their own, and from what they are showing) and thus, social skills

  • Increased self-control (requires discipline and attention regulation) - they practice self-control by sitting and listening, they learn through characters who need to control their own behavior in pursuit of a long-term goal, and promotes a positive parenting relationship which makes it more likely that child will be responsive to parental attempts to teach self-control and discipline later

  • More stimulated brain (same areas of brain are activated when reading about something as when actually doing it)

  • Reading aloud specifically leads to: 

    • Better relationship with parents (the more parents read to their kids, the more attached those kids are to their parents, and the deeper their conversations tend to be) and others

    • Lower cortisol and higher oxytocin post lap-reading

    • Leads to bigger chance kid will be a voracious reader

    • Even further improves theory of mind, as parents talk to kids about character’s feelings and wishes

• How to: 

  • Read to kid before bedtime or a nap

  • Keep reading aloud even after kid can read independently - try to keep reading aloud until kid is 11ish!

  • Oral storytelling - has a lot of the same benefits as books, but less constraining 

    • Can retell stories of events, like the day kids were born

    • Can tell “About Day” stories, about everything that happened that day, highlighting what kids did well and what they accomplished

    • Can tell stories about kids’ interests, with them as the heroes, highlighting their creativity, intelligence, and kindness

    • Or just go with the classics, like The Three Little Pigs

  • Always have a book within reach

  • Combine literacy with topics of interest

  • Have kid read to you

  • Incorporate writing where possible (e.g. have them write grocery lists, write their symptoms for the doctor, etc.)

  • Try to avoid e-books 

    • For read-alouds; tend to discourage interactions by kids hunching over the screen and parent tending to focus more on how to use the book than talking about the story itself; kids view them as single-user toys

    • Physical books are better designed for young kids

    • People of all ages have been found to retain information better when consumed as a physical book, rather than on a computer screen or e-reader

    • Students also reported being more tired and stressed out after a reading test on a computer vs. on paper 

    • May take 20-30% longer to read the same content on a screen versus in print (people get more distracted reading on screens)

    • The turning of a page helps our brain to understand where different ideas are within a text, and we use this tactile experience to organize our thoughts within our brains. A lengthy book is more difficult to manage in an e-format.

    • The presence of e-reading devices can inhibit regular reading. The more devices a child had access to, the less likely they were to read.

    • Even kids who read daily prefer to do their reading with physical books, and the majority of children of all ages (esp. young ones) surveyed prefer physical books to e-books. 

  • Ideas:

    • Read in front of your child (children are more interested in reading when their parents do so in their leisure time)

    • I’m going on a picnic game (hones listening skills) - can incorporate first letters of the alphabet for older kids

    • Visit the library

    • Help your kid write and illustrate their own book

    • Used book/yard sales

    • Make reading nook(s)

    • Have kid write cards, thank you notes, and letters

    • Listen to audiobooks or story podcasts (e.g. while making dinner!) and discuss with kids

    • If you have an older child who has become uninterested in reading, teach them about leisure reading. When they pick up a book for fun, they don’t have to go front to back, and they don’t have to keep reading it if it’s not grabbing their attention. This is different from reading for school. If you don’t like it, put it down and try something else.

    • Make books special (e.g. special holiday books you wrap and take out only during the holidays they relate to)

    • Kids read to a friend (e.g. pets, stuffed animals)

    • Keep up the bilingualism: children who are raised bilingual have denser gray matter and superior executive functioning

    • Most children will do anything to avoid bedtime. Let that thing be reading. When they are young, read to them longer at bedtime. When they are a little older, read them chapter books that they might not sit through except that it means avoiding bedtime. When they are independent readers, set bedtime a little earlier, but allow them to read until they feel sleepy.

    • Tell personal stories at dinner

    • DON’T reward reading

    • A magazine subscription

    • Read what your kid reads so you can discuss it and validate their pleasure reading (ooh, what about a family book club??)