Social Media Notes
Notes from the following parenting podcasts:
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ParentData with Emily Oster
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Raising Good Humans with Aliza Pressman
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Good Inside with Becky Kennedy
And the YouTube channel of:
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Emma Hubbard
On Mattering
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Mattering is huge! Make kids feel seen and heard - basically get a pHD in the kids.
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Also, make them feel that they matter in contributing to the household by asking for help with things that need to get done (e.g. this week, these are the family matters - I need help with my tech, grocery shopping, etc.)
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Don’t ask kid when they get home how their test went, because that implies that their achievements are what matter to you. Instead ask them what they had for lunch or something like that - indicates you care more about them as a person.
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Think about what you ask your child about on a daily basis and what you argue with your child about - this tells you the story about what your children are hearing.
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On someone’s birthday, everyone in the family says one thing they love about that person - gives them idea about what about them matters to other people
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strengths survey or the thematteringmovement.com can help kids recognize their strengths and play to them
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Make sure kids don’t have too much of their self-worth tied up in a single activity (e.g. grades, sports, etc.)
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Give everyone their own special space if they don’t have their own room. E.g. a shoebox they can decorate or a special drawer or special shelf! For only their things. Probably their siblings will treat it as sacred and not touch it.
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On Confidence
Emma Hubbard's 3-Minute Confidence Booster
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Pick one daily struggle (getting dressed, tidying up toys, or putting on shoes) and instead of jumping in to help:
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Set a timer for 3 minutes. Tell kid I'm going to let you try this yourself first.
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Sit nearby, but don't intervene - just be present and calm.
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If they ask for help before the timer goes off, say something along the lines of: “You’re working so hard on this. Try one more time, or maybe a different way, and then I’ll help in a little bit”
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When the timer goes off:
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if they haven't succeeded, offer minimal help:
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for toddlers: break it into small steps they can manage: Put the tag at the back, now put your head through the big hole, then one arm in...
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for older children: ask guiding questions: Your shirt’s inside out; what needs to happen? or Where’s the tag? What does it mean if it’s there?
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if they have succeeded (even partially):
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describe what they did well: You kept trying even when the sleeve was stuck or You solved that problem by turning it around.
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Stick with this for a few weeks and you’ll notice your child approaching the task with complete confidence. They’ve proven to themselves that they can handle frustration and find solutions. Real confidence isn’t built through praise, it’s built through proof. Proof they give themselves every time they don’t give up and complete challenging tasks.
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Over-helping kids (e.g. swooping in to help when they’re struggling with homework or forget to pack something) has negative impacts on their self-esteem and can make them more anxious
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Kids want a feeling of purpose and accomplishment - this requires independence to do things like pick up food for the family at the store, to cook dinner for the family, etc.
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Let kid “overhear” you saying to co-parent how great they are at a certain thing (be specific!)
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Try not to make assumptions about anything (e.g. sexuality, interests, neurodivergence, etc.) with kids! Because they then either have to live up to it or correct you - not fair to them.
Family Meetings
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10 minutes a week, sit as a family and run the meeting and first say go around to each family member and everyone says something they are grateful for that that person did (e.g. “I really appreciated Arthur letting us have a nice dinner together”) and then move on to family matters (e.g. “How can we solve the issue of how we store our shoes?”) - everyone has a voice and has responsibility and has a part in family functioning - everyone needs to contribute.
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Can keep a sheet on the fridge about family matters to talk about in the family meeting (e.g. someone’s super busy this week because of xyz or this thing is an issue in the house or whatever)
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Fostering Family Closeness
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Share age-appropriate struggles with your kids - admit mistakes and model repair (e.g. a frustrating day at work or something - let them know, tell them it’s not their problem to solve, but that’s why you might seem a bit grumpy or something, and tell them what you are doing to work having the brain space to work on it). And ask kids for help if they can help (e.g. with housework) - they feel valued!
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COAL approach to listening (Curious, Open, Accepting, Loving) - try to approach every conversation in this mindset! Pretend you’re a journalist when you listen to your kids - really listen (put devices away!) First reflect back (I think you’re trying to say…) before any advice. “Tell me more about that!”
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Try to appreciate something about your loved one every day, and say it aloud! Or write gratitude notes to stick in a jar or under someone’s pillow or write on a whiteboard.
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To get kids to open up - don’t push it; give them the vocabulary outside of the moment, and when they’re going through something, just say something along the lines of “I can tell you’re going through something. I’m here if/when you want to talk.” And it’s really good to just do something with a kid who’s struggling (like go play pickleball or something). And when your kids open up, make sure you thank them for telling you, and also good if you ask if there’s anything you can do to support them. Be there - if they’re interested, they can come to you, but you don’t pounce on the info like a dog. Be a cat, and let them come to you. But your presence is really important!
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With boundaries and encouraging open communication - can set a boundary (e.g. I expect no drinking under this age) but let them know you understand people make mistakes and you want to know if it happens so you can help them
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Model forgiveness and moving forward - don’t let more than 24 hours go by without repairing relationship.
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Kids whose individuality is celebrated and whose unique perspectives are celebrated (given autonomy support) are closer, more connected, have stronger family bonds, and better outcomes. Offer kids choices when possible and celebrate (nonjudgmentally) who they are, even when different from you. Give them that room and have curiosity! Including with fashion and political choices.
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Little kids are more impacted by your actions than words - e.g. if they’re upset, it’s more effective to show them that you are calm than it is to tell them to calm down. Fewer words, and when you use words, tell the truth! Otherwise they will doubt themselves if you say, e.g. that you’re not upset when you are.
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5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions is great for kids, too!
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Repair is huge after any rupture
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Make sure you are calm when you do this.
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Don’t mention kid’s behavior or why you were frustrated - just address your own behavior and what you did wrong.
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Acknowledge how kid might have felt because of your behavior.
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Tell them what you will work on improving so it won’t happen next time.
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Give an opportunity to reconnect (e.g. hug, play, etc. - follow their lead and what they’re up for at the moment)
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Once connection is restored and you are both calm, address kid’s behavior and try to give them a model to use next time (not bringing the argument back up - teaching)
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Self-Regulation
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Help kids find things that might work for them to self-regulate, and let them choose
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Model things like talking to self (e.g. I got this, I got this) and kids will pick up and mimic.
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Give kids options of tools (e.g. mindfulness), let them find what works for them, and then practice practice practice!
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Work on identifying kids' stress signs and help them identify them as well (respectfully and calmly of course - e.g. I notice that you're clenching your fists).
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Then when you see these signs arise, help them navigate the stress. Have them tell themselves you've got this or chill out or something similar, then work on slow deep breaths together. Ride deep breath to the top of the escalator (your head), then hold it for as long as you can, then exhale, having your exhale take twice as long as your inhale. Keep practicing this as a family!
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Another idea is a calm-down corner kids can create and then go when they're getting upset.
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Co-regulation is huge!
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Convey that you understand what kid is feeling but that you don’t feel it yourself!
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Don’t try to fix the problem - just let them know that you care and are present with them - don’t be a helicopter parent here (within reason). Let them figure it out themselves - helpful for their sense of agency. But keep open communication and pay attention to what they are communicating through their behavior.
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Let teenagers know when you’re having difficult emotions and let them know what you’re doing about it - normalizes having emotions!
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Tantrums
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Peak at age 3 (because lots of development at that age)
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Usually happens when kids are hungry, tired, or having a change in their routine
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Often happen more at home (a safe place) than school
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Most important thing you can do is stay regulated and provide an anchor for your kid
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Kids want attention from parents, even if it’s negative - if kids feel like tantrums are the only way to get parents’ attention, they’ll go for tantrums. Can help to make sure you have special 1-on-1 time with kids - increase positive interactions with kids!
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Scheduling it in can be great - e.g. this is our 5-10 minute special time every day! Regularity can also help.
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On Motivation
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To motivate toddlers:
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First state the task you want your child to complete.
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Then tell them the preferred activity they can do right after.
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E.g. First, we'll brush your teeth. Then we'll read your favorite book!
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Assisting toddlers:
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When we ask our toddlers to do something, wait, then ask again and again before finally stepping in, we're actually teaching them that our first request doesn't mean anything. They learn they can just wait it out until we escalate - and only then do they need to respond.
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Instead, say it once, wait 10 seconds, then calmly follow through.
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E.g. if your toddler doesn't put away their blocks when you ask them, wait 10 seconds, then instead of repeating yourself, step in and help them put them away.
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Point to a block and say pick up the block. If they don't respond, gently place it in their hand and guide them. Now put it in the basket. Then praise them as they complete each step.
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What you're doing is showing them exactly what needs to be done and how to do it, whilst teaching them that you mean what you say.
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Try and only make these kinds of requests when you're actually in a position to follow through. If something doesn't need to happen right now and you can't step in, hold off asking.
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Within a few weeks, your toddler starts responding within that 10 second window because they've learnt that you always follow through.
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Praise kids for effort, not abilities, and attribute kids’ successes to how hard they worked - leads to kids less likely to lie (to protect reputation) and more likely to choose challenging things over easy things
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If kid is struggling/wallowing in failure, say You don’t know how to do it YET - helps them reframe negative mindset
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Don't reward activities kids are already motivated to do - can reduce motivation!
Reducing Entitlement
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Don’t applaud everything they do just because
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Miss a game or two (so they won’t do things just for the accolades, but for the thing itself, and won’t expect everyone to drop everything for them)
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Gratitude hunt - look for something great every day
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Chores
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Ask for do-overs if they demand something rudely, set clear
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Explicit, behavioral expectations
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Make gift giving fun so kids are excited to give gifts
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Ask kids to tell you every day/week something kind they did + something kind someone else did for them
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Thank you notes (can even have kids dictate when they’re little), including for people like UPS guy
On Food &
Picky Eaters
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Picky eaters - put just a tiiiiiny bit of the food they don’t want to eat on their plate - makes it less intimidating!
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Cut food into fun shapes! Give them some agency (e.g. pick taco toppings, bento boxes where they don’t have to eat all components, etc.)
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Also, if they don’t like veggies, serve them with dip! This helps develop their tastes and hopefully they will be more accepting later on (hiding veggies in dinners doesn’t do the same thing because they can’t taste it). And don’t reward kids for eating veggies - they learn that it’s punishment they need to get through!
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Have kids interact with foods they don’t like (e.g. by games or something) - they don’t have to eat it, but interacting with it helps make it more familiar and less scary. Can use food play to get kids to eat fruit & veg, e.g.:
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Dip broccoli or cauliflower in marinara sauce and put it on their lips like lipstick. Ask them if they wanted to bite or eat the lipstick (the veggie), which they will find funny.
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Spell out their names with green beans. We started with letter recognition and progressed to full names and words as they got older. They love having parent “guess” which letter they ate while parent “covers eyes.”
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Ask them if they wanted to eat it like a puppy dog instead. Line up blueberries in a row and they can put their hands behind their backs, pretending to eat like a dog with no hands
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Kids need 20 minutes sitting down to eat lunch - schools don’t always give enough time for this (so give them pre-unwrapped things)
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Open kitchen approach - kitchen is open at set times, at those times, kids can help themselves
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Younger kids often have a snack after breakfast and don’t want much lunch, and a snack after school and don’t want much dinner. If it bothers you, just swap snacks and meals, so serve them dinner food for their afternoon snack, and snack food at dinner time, when they’re less hungry.
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Possibly a good idea (when kid gets older) to have a fixed snack time in the afternoon (e.g. 4 pm) instead of continuous snacking. Also helps with patience.
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Have a snack ready to go when kids get home - they are always hungry! Depending on how close it is to dinnertime, make it more or less filling. And have it be a specific option of what they can eat.
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Toddlers need to eat every 2-3 hours (or 5 meals/snacks a day), and often tantrums/fussiness are because they are hungry. Keep quick and easy snacks on hand at all time, try to keep snack/meal times consistent so their bodies know when to expect food, and if you notice tantrums at a specific time, try adjusting meal times accordingly.
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You don't want to restrict/demonize any food - a good approach to dessert is to put it on the table with their food, so they can eat it before or after the rest of it. If they want more, let them know that there's no more cookies or something on the menu right now, but there will be tomorrow. Balance it with non-restriction when you bake with them, maybe once a week. When they're fresh out of the oven, they can have as many as they want, but only then.
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Don't use food to bribe (e.g. You'll get ice cream if you do this) - can lead to disordered eating! Same goes with pressuring kids to eat or not eat something (e.g. If you eat your spinach, you'll get big and strong). Be neutral if they overeat and get a stomachache.
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Aim for minimum 5 family meals a week, and treat them as sacred
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Can have fun rituals, like every Sunday have dessert before dinner, or pick a conversation question (e.g. would you rather question or some other fun question or topic)
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Can discuss current events and kids’ feelings towards it (including lively debates - showing them their opinions matter)
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Eating disorders:
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Ask kid why they are want to be "healthy," if they take a sudden interest in health
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Usually things are ok if they are adding things to their diet in order to be healthy. The problem is with restriction.
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If kid struggles with an ED, you can decide what they are going to eat and when (takes the stress out of them having to do it), and sit with them and provide emotional support while they eat. Let them know that you are temporarily taking control of their eating plane until it is safe again for them to do so, and you're doing this because you love them. Kid will not want you involved, but it's usually because they're embarrassed and don't want you to know how bad it is. They are usually very grateful afterwards - they truly want you to be involved!
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Can also help to relax rules to help them (e.g. they can come late to school while they finish a big breakfast or they can watch TV while they eat, etc.)
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EDs happen so fast and thrive in secrecy - if you think something is wrong, act fast!! Ask kids directly - often they will tell you and be so relieved you asked.
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Alcohol
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The earlier kids start drinking alcohol, the more likely they are to have problems abusing it later on! Not good to have kids drink at home, and the longer you can push it off, the better. Explain to them that their brain is so impacted by alcohol until it’s more developed, it’s off the table for now, but they will be able to drink it in the future. But let them know that you understand people make mistakes, and to let you know if their safety is compromised so you can help them. And if you’re gonna make a mistake, make a mistake moderately.
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Don't model the whole Oh, I need a glass of wine after that thing.
Toddler Sleep
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Put them to bed earlier than you might think!
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3 year olds should be in bed by 7:30, for example.
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Come up with a bedtime routine together (ask them what they like to do, so they have a sense of control). Add any stalling techniques to the bedtime routine (e.g. a glass of water).
Notes on Babies
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Babies who startle easily (don’t like loud noises) and want set schedules are more likely to turn out to be socially withdrawn/sensitive
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Some babies (the easier one) are easier to form attachments with than others!
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Serve and return - mirror baby’s bids for attention (within 30 seconds) and match what they’re doing and expand on it (e.g. if they stick their tongue out, stick your tongue out and continue)
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Parentese (high-pitched singsongy voice with exaggerated expression) is really good - use it! Babies prefer it and helps them develop language skills.
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Say your baby’s name as often as possible during their first year - not just for functional reasons - with warmth and love - this is associated with greater prefrontal cortex development!
Babies with consistent, gentle touch in first year have better myelin sheath development - makes baby’s brain work better! Also is physiological co-regulation - comforts them and syncs their nervous system with yours!
Starting around 9 months, babies look to you as soon as something scary/startling happening to determine how to react. Try to be calm in that fraction of a second!
Babies carry last emotional memory of the day into sleep - so you want them to have a calm and happy feeling when they are falling asleep! That is the memory that will stay with them longest and give them that feeling of safety - it’s huge!
Sensitive Kids
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Often really resist anything remotely uncomfortable (e.g. playing sports, going to birthday parties, etc.). Create a plan for this that involves exposure! Tell them you know and understand their feelings, and love them, but you’re making a mommy/daddy decision. Use tons of validation! Can validate kid’s worries by a detective notebook or something, to test them out. You can’t force them to participate, but bring them to the place they’re resisting - usually they will watch for a while before joining in. Positive discomfort! Tell them stories about kids who were in the same situation and overcame it!
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Lots of sensitive kids are inflexible and controlling/unable to compromise.
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Can help them through play, too - e.g. play a character who is too nervous to do something - if kid wants the play to continue, they have to reassure the character or think of a solution!
Anxiety & Stress
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Separation anxiety actually indicates new cognitive abilities (able to imagine scary scenarios)
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The more anxious you are around your kid (how much you show stress, etc.), the more anxious your kid will be! Brains and hormones become more synchronized the more time people spend in a room together, especially when they are working towards a goal together! Some people are better at synchrony than others (for better or for worse).
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When dealing with an anxious kid, use baby steps that work up to what you want! E.g. for a kid that won’t sleep alone: play a “game” where they spend longer and longer times alone in the room until they are sleeping independently.
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Create transition routines to let child know what’s coming, so they don’t get stressed on having something sprung on them (e.g. a bathtime song)
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Create rituals and routines - predictability reduces cortisol and lets brain focus on connection - families with consistent schedules have children with stronger family bonds and better emotional regulation. Have consistency!!!
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Children who receive regular touch have better stress control and immune systems long-term. If you’re not too serious about it, something like regular “oxytocin time” with 20-second hugs, can be great! Can help a lot during difficult conversations, too (like holding hand, touching shoulder).
Conflicts with Kids
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Ask for do-overs when they talk back to you
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Listen to what they want (e.g. pushing bedtime back), hear their pitch, and negotiate with them (e.g. we can try pushing it back by 20 minutes for a week and see if you’re sleepier the next day) - helps a lot of kids feel like they have a choice; they are more likely to follow rules.
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Offer choices whenever possible (e.g. you can use that tone with me or choose a different tone, but how I respond to it will also be different or you don’t want to clean your room right now, I hear that; can choose whether you want to clean your room before dinner or after dinner)
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Don’t bring up past behavior!
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Can sometimes resolve a crisis by asking questions (e.g. You’re the worst dad ever because you won’t buy me that toy! -> Well, what other reasons might I not buy you that toy? Because you’re the worst dad Ok, does that serve your needs? Well, no So what other reasons could explain why I won’t buy you that toy?)
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Playfulness can also encourage cooperation (e.g. if a kid wants mom to do something, maybe dad pretends to be mom)
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When there are problems (e.g. sibling/parent-kid conflicts), have everyone involved write down as many solutions to the problem as they can think of. Keep pushing for more solutions! Then ask each person involved what about each solution works for them and what doesn’t. Then try the solutions out one by one until one works.
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Our brains can’t handle higher than 11:1 positive:negative interactions/emotions - it sets our authenticity meters off! So it’s essential for parents to be imperfect.
On Discipline
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Connected consequences happen as a direct result of action (e.g. toy breaking because kid bangs it against the wall) - do NOT try to fix the consequence.
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Logical consequences - parent-enforced; try to connect a consequence to the behavior (e.g. lose phone privileges if they’re sneaking phone into room at night).
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Also discuss organic consequences of actions (e.g. "Do you think other kids will want to play with you if you cheat?")
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As kids get older, try to map out collaborative consequences in advance - ask kids what they think consequence for a certain behavior should be
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Praise good behavior - make sure the praise is specific and right after the action to make it effective
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Prepare for transitions and stick to routines!
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Validate reaction before it escalates
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Offer choices whenever possible (e.g. “Do you want to get in the stroller or do you want me to put you into it?”)
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With older kids - have collaborative written agreements
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Try to have one yes for every no (e.g. “You can’t hit your sister but you can pat her)
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Time-outs are effective! Don’t seem to have a negative side. But not necessary - up to you if you want to use them. But try to only use them as a consequence (e.g. for calming a kid down in the moment) rather than a punishment.
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When toddlers are worked up, don’t talk or say too much in the moment - you do the teaching after they’ve calmed down. While they're worked up, model calmness with voice and breaths. Don’t act critical of their behavior in that moment. Offer self-soothing tools (e.g. stuffed animal, skin to skin contact). It’s not about the words, but the “music” of your voice - sounds and connections.
To Encourage Listening & Cooperation
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Tell, don’t ask (Put your shoes on, please instead of Can you put your shoes on?)
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Freedoms list - tell kid you notice they want some things that they’re not allowed to do, and work together with them to put together a list of their wants. Arrange them in order of what’s possible earliest to latest, and tell them they’ll reach the other wants as they demonstrate certain skills (e.g. responsibility in certain situations or getting better at cooperating). Act excited - you want the kid to reach other steps on the freedoms list too, because they are building skills! Collaboration!
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When your kid does listen, don’t correct! But do notice that they did it. They need to know you believe in them!
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Don’t make demands that you prefer to do yourself (e.g. something you do better and will correct anyways).
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Be specific and give shaping steps as needed. One thing you can do with chores is to write different tasks on popsicle sticks and everyone in the family picks one after dinner or some specific time - that is their job for this “chore time!” Let them pick a song and play music while you work.
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Make mistakes with simple tasks and forgive yourself in front of them!
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Try not to remind kids to do tasks! Let them blow it (without you fixing it either) and see the natural consequences.
To Encourage Collaboration
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Enroll kid in some sort of program (e.g. sports, theatre) which involves a shared goal, so they can work with others to get there - team things like this (including religion - anything where kid feels like some sort of community) have the added benefit of making kid feel less lonely and doing better over all
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Group projects! E.g. a neighborhood book club - kids take turns picking books or decide together, then group has to work together to figure out how to talk about this book in a creative way (e.g. what kind of games can they play related to the book, how can they decorate the house like the book, what foods can they make, etc.). Can also be academic.
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Cooperative board game nights (or simple games like Celebrity) where teams compete.
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Model family teamwork (e.g. with chores - cooking, dishes, shopping, etc.)
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Celebrate group achievement
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Ask about how kids think other people/characters do
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Collaborative volunteering
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Group discussion (e.g. at family meetings or dinner) - where there’s one topic that everyone is discussing together. Maybe everyone can choose the topic for one night, depending on the kid’s enthusiasm.
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Encourage diverse perspectives by asking kids why they think others might think differently than they (or the whole family) do
On Siblings
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Sibling conflicts - be a mediator, not an arbitrator
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First acknowledge feelings, let everyone calm down
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Then let each child tell their side and how they are feeling
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Work together to help them come up with a cooperative solution
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Siblings fight - it's normal - just make sure they also have loving moments. Obviously parents will have a tolerance line when they step in. Try to be neutral about this (parents have a tendency to favor the younger one) and just say that it's too much. The less you intervene, the better! Make sure to commiserate with the older one! And if you stay out of it, the older sibling will usually come around eventually (though they might work things out in an ugly way). Asking them to be nicer to the younger one generally builds their resentment and backfires.
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Letting them work things out along generally leads to closer bonds in the long-term! If it's too hard to witness, can tell them to take it into another room. Tells them it's their relationship, not ours. Want siblings bonded on one side vs. parents bonded on the other.
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Siblings are a lab test for later - have to learn to compromise, work things out, share, etc. But can look unpleasant and ugly at times.
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Toddler + new baby
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Baby the toddler - don't try to encourage them to grow up! This actually helps them act more grown-up.
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Remind them that they are still your baby.
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Connect experiences with baby to toddler as much as possible (e.g. You're in underwear now, but I remember when I used to change your diapers like this)
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Validate their feelings
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Expect regression when baby comes - don't push any transitions (e.g. potty-training, sleeping in own bed, etc.). Just stick to what they're already doing well. Follow toddler's lead on this!
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Regression is a form of communication - that kid is stressed out (so very common during transitions). If it happens, back off!
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If things are too focused on/talked about/take on a life of their own (e.g. kid biting, having toilet issues, etc.), can often lead to kid getting too anxious about it and backfire. Lay off the pressure.
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On Sports
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Benefits are mostly from team sports
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Play multiple sports - specializing in one when young (before middle/high school) has negative psychosocial and emotional outcomes (e.g. burnout), as well as increased risk of injury - sampling is great!
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You also learn more skills from more different types of sports.
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Being a physically active kid increases your changes of being a physically active adult
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Best sports:
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Raise heart rate (more constant movement)
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Worst sports:
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Have higher risk of brain trauma (football, hockey, rugby, soccer)
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It’s not just about concussions - repetitive impacts on brain lead to long-term negative impacts
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Very light exercise in the 48 hours right after concussion can help improve symptoms
Learning & Education
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Let kids make decisions as much as possible, as early as possible, even if they make dumb choices or mistakes or it’s inconvenient (e.g. they forgot to bring their lunch box)! That’s how they learn.
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Attention spans - multiply kid’s age by two - that’s probably about the number of minutes they can pay attention to one thing
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Kids learn way more through play (e.g. make a recipe together - math! Use language in context, etc.)
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Three main types of preschools: Montessori, Waldorf, and Reggio Emilia. Limited evidence links Montessori to better reading and math skills. The other two approaches are more play-based.
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Self-directed learning is great! Give kids opportunities to answer their own questions.
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¾ boys are more physically active than girls at school age - makes schools much harder for them and they’re more likely to get battered by the experience
Executive Functioning
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Offer kids chances to build these skills in low-stakes situations so that they are better prepared in stressful/emotional situations.
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Expose kids to different perspectives as much as possible!
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Being offered choices (in autonomy-supported parenting) is one of the biggest predictors of executive functioning later in life!
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Kids process things more slowly than adults, so give them time to think!
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Also important to help them reflect on what they did (e.g. how they solved something).
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Mindfulness is another important element to foster executive functioning, so kids don't get distracted by anxiety or something when doing a task. So teach them this! E.g. by paying attention to your breath and when your attention wanders, focus back on it.
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Ideas to help build EF skills in kids (from reflectionsciences.com):
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Encourage children to identify and label emotions (and validate them!)
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Provide opportunities for conflict resolution – discuss strategies, roadblocks, plans, etc. for real scenarios that children have experienced
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Allow for, acknowledge, and reframe “failures” to help encourage a growth mindset
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Promote perspective-taking
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Allow time for children to share personal experiences and connect
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Incorporate simple mindfulness activities throughout the day
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Help children recognize the connection between emotions and decision making, and how this can affect social relationships
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Incorporate new and interesting ways to start an activity
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Build curiosity over time
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Plan and allow for creative ways to document, express, communicate, and demonstrate learning at home
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Refer to and incorporate additional elements from new, hands-on learning approaches like play-planning and learning journals
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Ask them to help you with things (e.g. remembering 7 items to buy at the grocery store - they will also love to catch you in. making mistakes!)
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Ask kids their strategy for success in doing something - encourages reflection!
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Ask kids what their plan B is! Helps with planning abilities.
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Buying blank journals for teenagers can also encourage them to reflect.
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Fostering Curiosity
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Encourage questioning in kids, even if they drive you crazy!
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When they are older, can tell them that it’s a fabulous question and we should look it up
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Tinker days are an option
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Don’t reward or tell them how to do something - encourage failure and let them know their job is to figure a way around it!
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Giving opportunities for solitude can also help foster curiosity (e.g. don’t keep kids constantly entertained!)
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Fill up some baskets with things that kids can do by themselves (e.g. arts + crafts, deck of cards, etc.), and have them around the house
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Carve out time for them to pursue their hobbies\
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Body image: point out billboards and such and ask daughters what the billboards are trying to say is valuable about women’s bodies (helps them be more critical of messaging)
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Same with language that assumes male gender etc. Turn it into actions - write letters and such! Red pen books!
Encouraging
Risk-Taking
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Allow disagreement, ask kids to say why they think what they think, but to give a reason and example for why they think what they think
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Make sure they know it’s ok to disagree (without putting someone down) but they can’t put someone down, have to stick to the facts, state the problem, give a reason and a turn-around to solve. Family meetings are a great place for this!
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Gives them practice to stand up for themselves or others!
On Empathy
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People who are kind have been found to be more successful and happier
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Regularly ask kids how they would feel if they were in so and so’s shoes, and what they would do.
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Kids whose moms talk a lot about feelings are more empathetic
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Explain to kids the difference between white lies to save people’s feelings and other lies - stress that honesty is important
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Best way to teach empathy is by modeling it - try to find things in common with those who are very different from us! What connects us?
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Also creating an expectation of kindness promotes kindness.
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Point out and appreciate when kids are being kind and the impact these actions on others (e.g. Wow, that was great you helped Grandma - did you see how happy she was about it?)
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Film/media can desensitize empathy or improve it - want things that are true but uplifting! Don't want them to get burned out - it can be a slow buildup of apathy. Don't inundate kids with doom and gloom news because they will lose hope.
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Novels are also good.
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You also need to work on self-regulation to help kids' empathy develop. See above section on this topic
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You want kids' empathy to impact their actions!
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Call out their unkind behaviors, tell them why it's unkind and ask them how they think it makes someone else feel. Then tell them you're disappointed in that behavior and let them know what you expect from them instead. Note that you are focusing on their behavior and not them as a human - guilt not shame! Guilt is more about instilling conscience and shame is about putting the child themselves down.
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And of course, first calm them down and let them know we know where we're coming from. It also models us being empathetic to them!
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Give them opportunities for redos (e.g. via role-play).
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Repetition repetition repetition!!!
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Give kids opportunities to practice empathy - e.g. ask them what's something good they could do in the world and help them to do it. Can be super simple things like helping the next door neighbor with something! Gives them the mindset that they made a difference and makes them happier.
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Give kids plenty of opportunities to say what they think so they're more likely to stand up for themselves than others.
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Have kids look people in the eyes and hold their head up. Tell them to always look at the color of the person's eyes so that shy kids will look at someone's face and be taken seriously.
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Teach them CALM: stay Cool, learn to Assert (strong lines - teach kids assertive language skills at family meetings), Look the person in the eye, make your voice sound like you Mean it.
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On Co-parenting
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Conflicts:
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First have an understanding conversation: why is this important to you? Try your best to understand where your partner is coming from and their POV
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Discipline vs. warmth is a huge underlying conflict. Often differences feel like opposition but often they are a nice counterbalance.
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Decide what is most important to you and prioritize those things without trying to micromanage the smaller things. Try saying it in a sentence: XX is really important to me. If it holds true, then you can prioritize it.
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Try to have a weekly marital check-in - how are things going?